First one of these points being the games scale. It takes a combination of a truly catching storyline and futuristic theme to steal the player into fantasy world where humanity is fighting for survival. I don’t know about you but a story isn’t good unless there is something to solve and in this case it would be survival.

Not to take offence to anyone here but this supports my first law of relativity, “Gaylo law”. It’s a law that I have found to be 100% true to date. I will cover the topic in a few bullet points.

• If you like Halo* the game you are not gay** (as found 99% of the time)
• If you do not like Halo* you have an 85% chance of being gay.
• There is a direct correlation to how gay** you are to how much you like the game Halo*

*Halo is in reference to Halo combat Evolved as the law does not have as much effect on latest releases e.g. Halo 2 and Halo 3
**gay as in type 1 gayness (type 1 gay does not necessarily show to be gay, type 2 gay is infectious and is spread through the air)

I have a few theories as to why there is a great correlation between these two variables but I think the main reason is because of the master chief himself. Have you noticed his body armour. Well… being more specific his trunk armour. [Ed - No as most people usually won't be staring at his crotch like you have] He’s obviously male, why would his voice sound so low pitch? Well he has a female inside his head for those who don’t know. I think you see where that’s going.

However I am still looking for theories as to why there is this correlation so please post your theories below….I seem to have got sidetracked from the Halo article. Oh well…

This article is for comedy purposes, k? No getting your panties in a twist, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Get your coat, ‘cos I have an erection.

Are those moon pants? ‘cos I have an erection.

Is that a banana in your pocket? ‘cos I have an erection.

Are you tired? ‘cos I have an erection.

Nice legs, what time do they open? ‘cos I have an erection

Hey, I forgot my phone number. ‘cos I have an erection.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put u and i together. ‘cos I have an erection.

If I call your left leg Thanksgiving and right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the holidays? ‘cos I have an erection

Nice shoes, wanna fuck? ‘cos I have an erection.

I hope you know CPR, ‘cos I have an erection.

I’ve just moved you to the top of my ‘to do’ list. ‘cos I have an erection.

Is it hot in here or is it just you? ‘cos I have an erection.

That's right. #1 Bestseller.

Of course, for every insanely popular series of books/films, there are those who hate them. And the hatebase for Twilight, as I shall call it, is particularly vast, even though most of its critics have never read the books or watched the films. Until recently, I belonged in this category.

I have taken it upon myself to read the books and watch the films, for your benefit. Now, these reviews will hardly be impartial. I am in no way a member of the target demographic. I’m an 18-year-old male, and these books are written for 13-year-old females. So in the interest of a fair and balanced debate, I have recruited one such 13-year-old girl. Meet Josie:

hai guiz, i was so xited wen mark sed i cud hlp him wiv his reveiw, i ttly looove twilite. edwards so dreemy hehe <3. ill be mkin sur he dusnt get 2 mean, nd tellin u bout all the stuff he dusnt understand :)
[Yeah... Not quite sure about that, translations may be made available on request -Ed.]

Erm…indeed. I apologise in advance for her. Just watch out for anything in italics, I’ll let her cut in whenever she feels like it, so don’t shout at me for spelling or anything, please. On with the review!

Twilight is the first book in the aptly named Twilight Saga, and follows 17-year-old Bella Swan as she moves to a new town, meets new people, makes new friends, risks her life, and falls madly in love with a vampire. And this is as far as I’ll bother with the plot…because that’s all the plot there is.

The rest of the book is largely made up of Edward and Bella spouting romance at each other (some of it barely even being describable as romance, but we’ll come back to that). All while Edward and his family shit all over any existing vampire mythology.

In order to fill space, however, I will drag out the points that I think were the worst, and see if we can get Josie to weigh in.

GRIPE NUMBER ONE
Bella is a total non-character. She has no personality of her own, she is never described, and can do nothing but whine about Edward.

hey, she ttly is described!
Oh really?
yeh! shes pale…and clumsy, but liek, ttly hot nd cool.

Of course, allow me to explain. Bella was designed to be a shell of a character. She was given just 2 defining characteristics. Paleness, and clumsiness. By leaving the rest of the ‘character’ blank, it allows any teenage girl to fill in the role, and be the main character in the romance. She can just slip in, and imagine that the rest of Bella’s traits are exactly the same as hers, it’s brilliant really. Let me demonstrate.

Hey, Josie. Have you ever thought that you were a bit like Bella?
r u flirtin wiv me? daddy sed 2 b careful of boyz lyk u…
No Josie, just answer the question.
well…i gess she is a bit lyk me. we can both b pretty clumsy…and i dont always do well @ skool…

And there you have it. By creating the emptiest, most generic teenage girl ever, she has created the perfect main character for a 13-year-old girl to enjoy.

GRIPE NUMBER TWO

The ‘romance’. At many points in the book I am left doubting the author’s sanity. Dialogues about heroin are passed off as insanely sweet comments. I shit you not. There is an actual section in which Edward compares Bella to heroin, and she is flattered. I guess that this is to be expected in a romance novel masquerading as science fiction/fantasy, but it really reaches the limits of acceptability. But enough of my point of view. Josie, take the floor.

omigod, edward is liek sooo sweet. i wish the boys i new were liek that :(. their all mean and stuff, they dnt understand grls liek he does <3. i culd just read this 4eva 2 hear his wordsn my hed *sighs*.

Ok, that was a little disturbing. I may need to keep Josie’s father from reading this…

GRIPE NUMBER THREE

The writing. Dear god the writing. It’s like Stephanie Meyer wrote a book, picked up a thesaurus and went “AND NOW TO MAKE IT SOUND CLEVER”. I think I only need one quote to point out how awful her writing is.

“No.” I didn’t feel like mentioning that my stomach was already full — of butterflies.

Now. This doesn’t quite fit the aforementioned thesaurus theory. But it hurts all the same. If you were capable of reading that without cringing, I’m sure Josie would love to meet you. You’ll have great fun discussing boys and Barbies. I’m not even gonna let her at the keyboard here, her writing is even wor-

HEHEHEHE, got the keyboard anyway ^_^. twilite is a brill book 4 girls like me. its smart, bt not 2 smart, u no? nd the stuff mark tld u is rubbish. it jst shows how gr8 steph meyer is. all that metafor nd stuff (hehe, i jst had english 2day as well :D).

That bloody girl. I don’t know why I put up with her.

GRIPE NUMBER FOUR

SHE

RUINED

VAMPIRES

*ahem*. Vampires do not sparkle in the sunlight. Vampires die in the sunlight. Vampires dislike garlic. Vampires dislike holy relics. Vampires are not entirely fucking indestructible. Vampires cannot live solely on animal blood. Vampires are not insanely conspicuously attractive. Vampires do not have reflections. That is all.

maaaark ur so borin. all those old vampires r booooorin.twilight jst made them better! they can like…liv wiv humans nd stuff, means they cn be happy nd not jst get killed all the tym!

No. I will not let you have this one Josie. Vampires have and always will need human blood. That’s half the point of the mythology. They aren’t meant to be lovely, friendly, cuddly people. And yes. I know they aren’t real. But that doesn’t mean you can mess with well established mythology. JUST LEAVE THE VAMPIRES ALONE. IF YOU WANT SOMETHING ELSE, COME UP WITH A NEW NAME. [We'll ignore the fact that some of the better Vampire books/films play with vampires a little, See Cronos (Film) or Let The Right One In (Book and film) -Ed.]

*cough* Apologies. I got carried away a bit there. Won’t let it happen again, I promise.

thx. u scared me :(

GRIPE NUMBER FIVE

This got a film? Seriously? A poorly written romance, with broken vampires, written in 2005 got a film before..say…anything by Neal Stephenson? A book that was rejected by FOURTEEN publishers. There just aren’t words for that. I honestly can’t say anything more on the topic. [Money, money and more money -Ed.] And Josie definitely doesn’t get to. Her dad wouldn’t be happy if she got home with a broken neck.

That’s all I have to say about Twilight. I’m going to let my brain settle a bit before I write my review of New Moon. Until then, it’s goodbye from me.

nd i gess i better b goin home. dad will b wonderin wer i am. he doesnt like me goin out :(. bye xoxoxo

Left4Censorship

Crabpope draws things. Said things are good.

Tom may make you THINK he’s very professional and the like, but don’t be fooled, he sometimes writes FlashFriday the day before and often on the very same Friday it is to be released on the site.

THE FIEND!

He also finds numerous ways to procrastinate instead of writing said articles, which are procrastination themselves. Such as… creating… pie charts… and writing about himself in the third person….

Ok, I’ll get back to that now…

...Goddamnit.

Here’s a game (I lost) that no console could ever play. THE Game (Again). Exclusive to life[TM], anyone can play this game (…), it’s so simple. But it’s not as easy to play as you think. There are only two rules. The first, and most important, is the thought. The thought that makes you lose the game (Double lost).

Have you guessed it yet?

It’s -game-. (And again…)

Whenever you think of the game you have lost (GODDAMNIT). If you see a game (FFFFUUUU) on a shelf and thought “That looks like a good game.” (Bah) You’ve lost (RAGE). If you’re out with friends and they mention that they have got a new… I think you get the idea by now. Every time you lose (*Cries*) you must announce it. To your nearby friends, on Facebook, your blog. Whatever.

Catching people out is the most fun part. If you’ve lost (AAAAAAARGH) you might as well make sure everyone else does. Take everyone down with you. As you can see the concept is simple enough, but winning is impossible. You can NEVER win the game (If you could, I wouldn’t have just lost).  I just lost again thanks to seeing it on Facebook. No-one is safe. You cannot run. It lasts forever once you are playing the game (GAH). There might be a way of ridding yourself of the burden. There might be a certain webcomic *cough*XKCD*cough* something about one that releases you. I am yet to find this holy grail of freedom, but believe me I’m looking.

Ohwait I forgot the second rule. Now I’ve explained the rules of the game (NO MOOOORE!). You are playing the game.

Loss Count: 15, “FFFUUUU -Ed”

Also Brett: Pokémon. [/semi-related Injoke]